1. |
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Broke the deep lethargy within my head
A heavy thunder, so that I upstarted,
Like to a person who by force is wakened;
And round about I moved my rested eyes,
Uprisen erect, and steadfastly I gazed,
To recognise the place wherein I was.
-Inferno: Canto IV
0003
2010
in canada they don't have air conditioning x2
and in canada i dont have health insurance, should i even be here
lately i've been feeling kinda lonely. i don't know why, i don't even try
so it isn't any wonder that i spend so much time inside
well in canada they dont have air conditioning. in canada the air is surprisingly hot
and you'd think it'd be cooler than home, but i promise
it's cooler in some ways and in some ways it's not
in canada they don't have air conditioning - so hold each other, and burn in the wind,
sweat staining all your sheets, hair tangling together
I spent my lack paycheck on bags of Mr. Freezes
and I don't know when the next one's coming in
all i really want to do is lay here,
take off all my clothes and sleep for fourty nights
can i get through the summer without human interaction
can i get through my past and still feel alright
i don't know anymore where i'm going! i don't know if i ever did
i've got sweet spiced wine in jars the fridge
cinnamon and peach, basil and thyme, come and share come and drink my cold cold sweet spiced wine
waiting for the monsters to send me out into the rain
well it doesn't rain much but i'll take a step deeper
i love to crack ice from an ice cube tray - ooooooooooooooooo
in canada they dont have air conditioning - my camera's been broken for two long years
and i haven't made the walk two whole blocks to get it fixed
now whenever i try to take pictures
i hold my hands steady like a round melting fist
not because i'm not able yeah that table's my table
but i feel a lot safer when i'm broke and alone
plus the world would be better if that table was burned and overthrown
yeah that lady wrote of berries but you'll never burn in rivers
she better find comfort wherever she goes
I stick my head in the freezer
and say oh my god, i am frozen on the spot
a giant picks me up, puts me where i ought to be
and this place is hot and freezing and i just dont feel as free as i thought i would
yeah they dont have air conditioning but in the end i think that's good
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2. |
Living After Wishing
03:51
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0010
0013
0210
0213
0001
The last time that you called me on my cell phone mom you sounded really sad
I don’t remember whether it was naughty brothers or it was my dad
I don’t remember who you said was taking you to the next appointment
I just remember hearing you laugh at a joke he made like you enjoyed it
I don’t remember if they ice your hands or your whole body
I don’t remember the last time that I called you and you weren’t feeling shoddy
It’s hard to even know a time before your life became a triage tent
It’s just hard to remember cause the world came out looking so different
I think you laughed a little less but maybe I’m not thinking long enough – ago
I wonder if it’s sad that she is not the mother that your children know
*Cause you are full of memories too many now to count and
Your life it is no tragedy though you found tragedies in great amount
Your life is no tragedy though you found tragedies in great amount
Most people don’t think of their moms till they are old enough to take advice again
But I am sad I didn’t think earlier on I want to be friends, your friend
And honestly times are so rough I don’t know what to ask
I don’t know where to find the stories even while you’re on the other end
*You ask me to come home and I say that I’m way too busy
I come home and ask you to talk but you can’t talk today you’re feeling dizzy
We argue about summer jobs and I don’t tell you who it is I’m kissing
You know out of the five of us it’s only me who knows what we’ll be missing
Cause since I left the house I found out what my life’s about
Growing up and histories and feeling things and living after wishing
Growing up and histories and feeling things and living after wishing
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3. |
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You told me it was only an experiment yeah
You told me that we weren’t gonna get into it oh
You told me that you didn’t really mean it yeah
You told me you told me you told me
You told me it was never gonna hurt so bad
You told me it was all my fault for feeling
You told me that I always had to get so mad
And you’re leaving you’re leaving you’re leaving
You showed me that you really knew to have your fun
You showed me how to really really hurt someone
You showed me how to feel it when you’re almost done
You showed me you showed me you showed me
You showed me how to get my body feeling nice
You showed me how to give it up yeah all my life
You showed me how to do it yeah you showed me twice
You showed me you showed me you showed me
You told me
You showed me
You owe me
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4. |
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She's a Flaming Lesbian (And Way Too Cool for You)
0232
2220
she kissed him under the mullberry bush and she kissed him under the stars
she kissed him on his parents' couch and in the back seat of his car
she kissed him in the pouring rain even though they got so wet
but she was a flaming lesbian she just didnt know it yet
she looked in her teacher's pretty eyes and said "that's really cool"
this woman was the only reason the girl came to school
the girl figured that role models were supposed to be that hot
but she was a flaming lesbian who couldn't connect the dots
she said to her wife, do you have to dear / she cried to her wife every night
she asked if she'd made herself crystal clear, that she never wanted a wife
her girl couldnt cry, she just hung her head, said that this was the best she could do
no it wasnt the plan but i'm just not a man, else i'd never do this, would you?
yeah dance with hot girls go on fast tilt-a-whirls wear the prettiest stuff you can buy
your wife is too straight for your ultimate date, so lets hope she finds a real nice guy
you can find some cute girls and hold their cute hands, and smile at each other a lot
cause you are a flaming lesbian and sadly your ex-wife is not
they smiled at the sky and at all the fireflies like it would end up meaning something
but her heart was calm and still while he felt constant thrill, yeah his heart was steadily pumping
boom boom boom and his hand was inching up her thigh what what oh what, what oh what could she do
she said "Dude I'm a flaming lesbian and way way too cool for you."
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5. |
Curse Curse Curse!
04:02
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2000 - down, up up
0210 - Teach Me
you've got backpacks full of dreamin you've got pockets full of sin
you've got a funny little smell on you from all that travellin
you've got paychecks full of nothing you've got fridges full of ink
and your feet they need a washin in a sturdy kitchen sink, oh where's the water, where's the wasteland
where's my second apple pie? where's the quiet little spot i go whenever i can cry
where's that bunch of plastic roses, where's your blanket, where's your head
to the forest to the desert go somewhere before you're---
you've got treasures to the rafters, you've got eyes like chiseled glass
you've got sand caught in your eyelashes and lungs so you just ask me what you
need and i will get it, i will get it if i can, cause your eyes don't look like livin
and i bet you need a hand - me all your stockings, please dont match them, give me mops and rags are brooms
and when i've worked myself near to death i'll try to find that room
again i'm tired, oh i'm tired, like i never thought i'd be
never knew that i would do this no it doesn't sound like me
always one for asking questions, don't you hear them all around?
why's that like they're slowly drowning? what's that pretty, awful pound
between my ears i have the answers, but i wish they never were
wish i's better at forgetting, cause the poundings like a curse CURSE CURSE CURSE
CURSE CURSE CURSE
don't you hear it, can't you hear it, under momma's angry shush?
drown in helplessness and hopelessness but still we push and push
knowing darkness isn't something you can pull out like a tooth
but what will you do what will you choose now that you have the truth
you can hide up in the mountains, let the mist cover you up
but the messages will still appear in tea leaves in your cups
you can hear it in the whistling of wind between the trees,
so i'll ask again what will you do, with the least of these the least of these
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6. |
Creamer and Glue
04:15
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soft like coffee creamer and hard like gorilla glue - 2210 - 2010 - 0232 - 0231 - 2100 - 2220
stir some cream into your coffee - now it's soft like you
prop your door up with some boxes - find gorrilla glue
friend it's okay if you need to look another way
friend it's okay if your healing looks so different
friend it's okay if you turned out burned and puffy not
the bun that you expected yeah that's a real real hot oven
friend it's okay if you can't help me today
friend it's okay if you can't leave your house ever
i'm not going to say that being sad is really great
i'm not going to say that you should give up on being a person
i'm not here for that but i know that not everything can change all at once
you thought she was your ally - but then she turned her guns on you
you thought they understood but then you realized that nothing was the same between you two
friend it's okay if you still feel so afraid - friend it's okay if they're feeding you lies still
friend it's okay if you don't feel safe near anybody - friend it's okay if you think you never will
i believe you and i'll learn what you are teaching
just because i didn't see it doesnt mean that its not true
and i hope if you can you can believe me too
friend it's okay if you need some reassurance
i think that you're beautiful and i think that you're magical
i really wouldn't lie to you i really see the best in you
just because you dont see it doesnt mean its not true
and the way that you smiled then has me hoping that you see the best in me too
sometimes it's your grade school email penpal who can understand
sometimes it's your mom and sometimes it feels like nobody can
other people have experienced the same and also many people never have to which can be so reassuring
friend it's okay if you need to look another way
friend it's okay if you healing looks so different
you can forget about it or you can get up in arms - if you want then you can teach us how you look when you're alarmed
do you need a coffee - do you need a hand - friend it's your own story so we'll follow you to understand
maybe i will - maybe i won't really - but you're important to me - i don't think you're silly
wanna hear a silly story or watch movies so so boring wanna go out river dancing feet stuck in the mud
friend it's okay if you understand so different
friend it's okay if your healing looks so different
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7. |
Gaspity the Star Girl
04:30
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2210
2010
0232
2220
2100
you're the kind of person whose the center of a galaxy / houses full of people who you met just yesterday
and they all know you tangentially just constellationallically / and you smile at the ones you like and know just what to say
you brought ten people over and you smiled and you pointed at the / shooting stars and fun gay bars where you would like to go
and if somebody is intrested in ceiling-high banalities / then i would say that youre the person who they ought to know
kissing boys in darkened bars and clubs that make your heart beat fast / and missing people who moved out just cause you couldn't make it last and
somebody oh somebody you really want to know said / something oh oh something and you really really had to go then
mmmmmmmmmmmmm
your friends leave before three AM they do not stay the night
or if they do they never leave which I guess is allright allright with me
the artists and the lovers and the ones who laugh so beautifully
but where's your art and lover oh oh where could she be?
Is she hiding in the punch bowl is she scared of all the people
does your lover like these parties does your lover she like me?
oh but where's the girl who knows you, not the one who shares your bed
how come after all your parties you look hollow like you're dead
oooooohhhh
you hold hands like a germaphobe and kiss like it's a mask
oh gaspity oh gaspity how long can all this last, what are you seeking in the palms of girls with fragile hearts
what are you looking for when you don't stop till after dark oh
Do you know of what you're searching do you even have a plan oh darling how I want to love you but I do not understand
Do you want for deeper meaning do you want for brighter stars, or are you just party themeing and clutching your tarot cards
You're a person worthy of someone's most intimate affections, while it's like riding a comet without gravity's direction
Some people are just happy with bright lights and cute gay men, but you're acting oh so lonely and I think you'd like a friend
A real friend, not one you give up like all that volunteering, somebody who won't run away when your heart's having trouble beating
I don't really know you so won't tell you what to do, but Gaspity oh Gaspity why must you consume comsume!
Stars and comets burn up as they slide across the sky, spilling beer and tears in everybody's open upturned eyes oh
Gaspity who are you, do you want someone to know? Oh Gaspity I love you but I really have to go
ooooohhh
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8. |
Bristol, Tennessee
04:22
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BRISTOL
a lady on the plane says she's going to atlanta / her daughter has a baby who she finally gets to see
oh the lady wrapped her knees in an oversized sweater / she leaned over and smiled and smiled at me
******
REFRAIN:
i know new days are coming / old days leaving just as slow / i know new days are coming / i know i know i know i know / i know i know i know
******
there was a man i saw at graduation / a kid who danced and smiled nice / i was sad i didnt get to know him
before we picked up brand new lives, before our brand new lives
i wish i'd made that old connection / i told my friend in the second row
i wish i'd rushed to make that bus / to make that bus to carboro, to get to carboro
ze said don't you worry / you can't be friends with everybody
if you'd rain to make that train / you'd be in carboro
***i know new days are coming / old days leaving just as slow / i know new days are coming / i know i know i know i know / i know i know i know
Becca said when she left hotels / she left a piece of her as well
I've got plenty me to share but where is she now, where?
Here's my soul, Idaho, here's my soul, Michigan / Here's my soul, mama's house, but where am I now?
I know you always ask of me / where is it that I want to be, / Win that race to home base, but I know I'll always lose
Gusty days are always scary leave behind things you hold dearly / Caroline or Canada but do I have to choose?
**i know new days are comin / in new york or toronto
**i know new days are comin / i know i know i know i know / i know i know i know
cause in the end the folks you meet don't always have to walk that street
winds take you where they will and you can't plan to spend your heart
i'll write you letters, write you songs / even when the miles are long,
cause in the end i'll love you even when we are apart
but riding buses, hopping trains, beds I've slept in arent my chains
people don't have roots but I'm ivy on the fence
no one place has got it all and is perfectly comfortable
but when you're there or anywhere, mean the things you do. Oh mean the things you do, oh mean the things you do
I know a new day's comin through so mean the things you do
**i know new days are coming / old days leaving just as slow / i know new days are coming / i know i know i know i know / i know i know i know
I know that I'm here - and someday I'll hold you near - I hope my every step can blend right into every road
just know the wind is constant and that flowers grow all over, and maybe all these days will start moving a little slower
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9. |
It'll Be Good, I Bet
04:37
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she said come and ride with me, i got into her suv
we drove halfway cross tennessee on bellies full of waffle house coffee
spirits full of old folk music days trips down to chattanooga
i didn't know anybody i didn't know anybody
used to live on st. laurent a house that made us all real sleepy
dark walls and dark sheets and sweating in the summer heat we're dreaming
we don't dream like we used to no, we don't seem like we used to no
industrial dreaming industrial streets, dark dark house with dark dark sheets
my momma takes us all to church whenever I can visit
and it smells like ancient incense and the lace the ladies wear
on their heads like fancy pilgrims fancy pilgrims with good hair
and my mom's not southern baptist but the drama is so there
sometimes i want to shout the preacher into different politics
sometimes the things i used to say, gets me feeling kinda sick
rough callus on my neck is gone my love for violin lives on
but classical can't have the hold it used to have on me
won't pretend i'm a fiddle player or a future pop punk star
don't know what next semester holds sometimes i just can't plan that far
ahead and she asks what i need to get through my next winter
i click on twenty apple seeds this game is such a good distraction
don't starve your people! give them a church!
appreciate the art that went unnoticed in my childhood
appreciate the context for why some people have it so so good
keep criticizing and we both know that's all that we'll do
some people love the negative but just cause i like blue
forms and figures i don't know i can't keep that stuff straight
i can't tell you if art is good are you too critical well i can't say
i'm learning to shut up when organizing with my friends! but
beliefs like that should be intimate and songs don't need resolving ends
she braids my hair like we're in grade school - i got really mean to people
just because you don't notice doesn't mean it's not true - i know it's something i do
i sit at cold desks staring at the lines and numbers on the papers - my pen makes dark marks but it's almost like they're not mine
they say that in your thirties things feel a lot more like resolutions - what's the answer did I study will she hate me if i cry
i built farms and waffle houses why do all my people die -
never in my life have convictions felt so right - never in my life have i felt so at home
never in my life have decisions felt so jarring - only one survivor in my data town alone
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Empty Disco Blacksburg, Virginia
they / them pronouns
i will photograph you ~daydream scientist~ & ukulele enthusiast
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